Welcome to my blog

I cannot reliably recount what came first, a loss of confidence, stagnation, or erraticism.  Nor do I intend to divulge specifics as angst teenage crap (ok, don’t remind me, I’m 20) doesn’t make for interesting reading.  I also do not know how one can go about making others understand what they do not understand themselves.  All that this welcome/introduction intends to do is give general sense of the purpose and reason for this blog.

The purpose is simple.  A person strangled finds they have much they want to say.  I am looking to loosen the vice and spew forth the backlog.

It is my general belief/philosophy that the conscious mind can be a bit of a blithering idiot.  Better put, I think that the conscious is cancerous if allowed to linger; that it malignantly breeds the negative.

This idea of mine was partly born from Stephen King’s short essay ‘On Being Nineteen’, which he appended to many new editions of his Dark Tower series.  In it he reflected upon the the problem of doubt for writers and the importance of always attempting to outrun it by 'keeping his narrative blade sharp'. If we are, as I think we are, predisposed towards the negative (or at least I'm sure you would agree that happiness tends to last moments, sadness months), then there must be a state of almost ‘organic rampancy’ which we need wrangle with.  This, along with how time seems to speed up when we engage in routine, explains why Doctor Who saves the universe every other Tuesday.  We must keep ourselves occupied.

When thinking to oneself it can be very difficult to advance the train of thought.  Ideas are kept on a circular loop, we hold on to them and allow them to gnaw away.  For this reason I see writing as a highly important medium and think it a shame people no longer actively keep diaries.  Whereas thinking in your head can be circular and destructive, writing is a means of advancing the thought process, a means of intellectual liberation, as you get down what is on your mind and move on.  You purge from soul on to paper.

For me personally there’s plenty of shit rattling around upstairs, some of which I would like to give coherence.  I also love aphorisms.  Deal with it.

Unfortunately it has become difficult for me to bring clarify to my life.  I am often sapped of motivation, even in areas I previously found solace, and feel physically burdened with emotions that do not at all suit stimuli.  I feel that in the past few years pursuing a degree in History has, while encouraging me to think analytically, been bogged down by a laborious research and referencing process.  It has slowed productivity, hurt creativity and hurt confidence.  I have taken thoughts so far as to wish I could drop out, feeling my productivity grind and motivation wane and falter (in spite of having a good average and some high grades) has given rise to a great fear that I might lose interest in writing altogether, something which always used to be natural and pleasurable.  It is illogical, irrational, but whoever claims humans are rational is a fool, at least when it comes to them applying their beliefs to their own person.

Part of the reason I have opted for this blog to be public, rather than keeping things confined to a diary, is that it will better give anything I write focus and purpose.  It will also help ensure what I write conforms to a higher standard.  That said, what I write will primarily be for myself, to help reignite some spark and passion (and even then it will admittedly probably be seldom used).  The audience is not wanted necessarily, just the illusion of having one.  It's not that readers are not welcome, but I’m realistic and realise most people won’t care to read this kind of thing.  It is for reason of personal interest and passion that I began recreational reading during the summer period, first-time-reading 15 classics over a couple of months.  There are probably some that would scoff at that figure, and if you’re not already laughing I can shamefully admit that I only recently shamefully graduated from the Harry Potter club.  It really is a wonder I can write at all.  Ah well being aware of personal faults and striving to better the self is as noble a goal as any.

 

I am looking for meaning, I am looking for coherence amongst chaos.  Welcome to my blog.